Tuesday, November 29, 2011

He Has 1000 Aliases

Most of which are not appropriate for a family friendly blog. But most often I just call him Turd.

My brother is moving. Not just down the street, he’s moving all the way to Florida. While he juggles the job change, locates a place to live and packs his belongings I’m keeping Turd and his brother Loki. It is impossible to get anything done with Turd around. He’s not a normal cat. I think he’s brain damaged. It’s really the only explanation I can come up with.

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The night of the hay delivery for instance. I was beat. All I wanted was to sit down and relax for a few minutes in my favorite chair. I set my glass of wine down on the second bookshelf nearby, making sure not to put it on the top just in case Turd showed up since he likes to knock things over. Then I sat down in my comfortable chair with my ‘dinner’, a plastic cup of fruit. As I settled in Loverboy Loki arrived to curl up in my lap, that being his only desire on earth, to be adored. As I lifted the plastic cup and spoon into the air to allow him room, Turd rounded the corner of the hallway and immediately noticed a little orange bug in the corner of the ceiling directly behind me. It happened so fast I can hardly describe it, but I’m sure there was terror in my eyes as I realized my mistake. He came flying through (almost literally) like a bat out of Hell across the room, up my legs, the fruit and juice landing squarely on my head and chest, the spoon disappearing to who knows where, while he leapt from the chair to the bookshelf in an attempt to reach the bug.  Unfortunately he had underestimated the distance from the chair to the top shelf so instead of landing on top, he grappled with his font legs while his back legs kicked over the wine glass among other things I had safely stowed away. It was red wine. Sticky red wine. And there were books. Lots of books. And bloodshed - all of the commotion caused Loki to freak out and insert his claws into the back of my hand, his signature move. I stood there stunned, fruit juice dripping from my hair, chunks of fruit stuck to my glasses, splatters of wine and blood across my shirt as my son shouted up the stairs, “Are you okay?” 

“No,” I replied. “Not exactly.”

A week later I am still cleaning up wine splatter but I finally found the spoon under my sewing table.

There will be no holiday decorations around here this year.

17 comments:

Denise at Autumn Sky said...

Rambunctious, that's a good word. You do a terrific job of describing the scene of bloodshed and mayhem.

MilkMaid09 said...

Ha. I've never really been a fan of cats, but I saved one from the barn I worked at in college - Chloe. She's the only cat I ever actually enjoyed having and your Turd sounds like her - in the middle of everything. Hang in there!

Michelle said...

oh my goodness...sorry for this ,but I am laughing at the visual. Turd is having a ball at aunties house!

Karen Patrick said...

Sounds like he needs some kitty Ritalin. How long is he staying?

Me and My Stitches said...

I still think Turd is sweet and innocent! Poor kitty!! Haha - just kidding - but I am rolling on the floor at the visual of this whole thing. I think Turd and my Callie could terrorize the world together. I have yet to get my Christmas tree decorated, as every time I try she is climbing up the tree, batting at the ornaments, hiding under the tree skirt, etc. I gave up yesterday. Maybe I'll do a little each day, and hopefully have it done by the 25th!

Tombstone Livestock said...

I'm sorry but I am laughing so hard, I thought when I first started reading this that you were calling your brother "Turd". Someone spilled a glass of red wine on my shirt once, colgate toothpaste got it all out. Other things I have had luck with removing stains, baking soda and peroxide. Oxyclean works pretty good too. Anyway if that picture is "Turd" he is a beautiful cat. I can relate to nothing is safe since Bella has been in the house, when she decides the sofa is where she wants to be, she jumps, halfway up to the nine foot ceilings to get there.

Benita said...

Oh my goash! That IS the cat from Hell! When is your brother taking him away - answer: Not soon enough.

Beth said...

oh, my goodness. what a day for you. i've always said that cats have a mind of their own. not that they are smarter than us humans ... but they are definitely on a different level than us... just plain weird??! ha. (:

Tammy said...

Thanks Christine...
I'm trying not to laugh out loud since I hopped over here while I'm at work! Too funny. Believe me, I feel and know your pain. If you remember I was the one that took in six litter mate kittens. It's not been the same since. If there is a disaster to create or a mess to make they are on it.
Tammy

Jessica @Blessings in the Country said...

I'm so sorry he's such a turd! But such a funny story! I had tears from laughing. I bet you can't wait to send this kitty packing to FL.

thecrazysheeplady said...

Ooooo....

Nancy K. said...

Good Lord! How can one, innocent little kitty cause all of that commotion? Are you sure that was your first glass of wine???

;-)

I hope your hand heals ok. Those cat scratches can be nasty!

I'm gonna tell Mom! said...

I think your brother is gonna owe you BIG.

kim

Michelle said...

Wow...I can totally relate. I had a cat that would do similar antics, but I think your wine/fruit/juice/blood story takes the cake! Good luck with that one! LOL

Michelle said...

I don't think I could give up Christmas decorations for a cat. Nope. He'd live in a giant dog crate or something if he had to stay here. You're a saint. I hope your brother knows that.

Karen Anne said...

Florida? Who moves to Florida? One of my cousins moved to Florida, but his idea of life is to drive around in a little golf cart in his planned community.

Rayna said...

Oh lord, sounds like my house. LOL. Turd sounds almost exactly like my Smudge, except maybe a tad worse lol.